The (Subjective) Reality of Existing

Yoga doesn’t solve my problems. Yoga is not the key to inner peace and abundance. Yoga is a sport, not more, not less. Yoga is one of the biggest growing industries and is mainly a financial factor, as everything else nowadays is. Yoga makes me nervous. All these yogis are annoying and esoteric. I don’t have as much time as is necessary to experience the real effects of yoga. I am not limber enough for yoga and doing it regularly won’t help, trust me I’ve tried. I thought I could find solutions in yoga, that by doing yoga I can find peace, the feeling of abundance, the perfect body, but the more I tried, the more the thoughts of all I was lacking imprinted themselves onto my mind.

I kept doing it, anyway. It was chic, it undoubtedly did have some effects on the body and yes, I did feel better afterwards. Yet, my mindset was turned rather negative than positive towards it, mainly for one reason: the expectations I had were solely surfacing the real truth of yoga and I did not understand its foundation, until now. But back to the beginning. After two major breakdowns in my rather successful life, one of them being a classic burnout, the other one came in the shape of a failed and harmfully draining relationship, I had nothing left to lose. My physical system was on strike. My subtle body shut itself down to a minimum in order to protect what was left of the energy and hope inside of me, until finally I almost lost the will to continue with this life for good. I had forgotten to take care of myself for years now and I mirrored everyone and everything that crossed my way.

Who was the victim?

Everyone was victim to my projections. I did not allow anyone to be there for me, due to the fact that I did not even allow them to be themselves around me. I denied myself all positive connotations and drowned myself in sorrow and guilt. Until the day my face got distorted due to a stupid accident and my smile was taken from me. My smile, my last man standing, protecting me from the outside world, faking that all was good, and everything was a piece of cake for me.

This was when Yoga entered my life again. But this time it came with another agenda. This agenda was called: existence. Luckily, I have the best family anyone could ask for. Caring, loving, smart, understanding, demanding and soothing at the same time. They instantly knew what to do. They forced me to take a year off. Off of everything, everything, everyone, every thought. Their mantra was: get well, find out who you really are and really want to be, build your life the way you want it; this is your job now.

I had some money saved and since I had no spark left inside of me to give protest, I gave in and bowed – in front of them and in front of my life. By now I was too afraid to live alone and my sister, being a Kundalini teacher, invited me to live with her in her home for some time. She took me to each and every one of her classes and gave me a safe place to get to know myself outside of the walls I had built, the experiences that caused my paranoia, the toxic belief systems that flooded my brain with negative thoughts.

The (Subjective) Reality of Existing (1)

Accessing my inner child…

I was again like a child getting to know the world, a world in which I couldn’t smile away my issues. A world without any hopes and major dreams, but also without fears and expectations. What is there to expect when you don’t know who you are and where you want to go? Nothing. And for some time it felt so empty. An emptiness as vast as the universe with a whole lot of nothing. I got up, I did yoga, I ate, I read, I walked, I slept, I existed. And there it was. Suddenly, out of the blue. I existed. This feeling was so new to me I couldn’t even put it into words at first. For the first time in my life ‘existence’ truly had a meaning, a standing, it suddenly played a role in my life. I had always taken it for granted. To me, like to most people, it always felt like we were born to simply be on this planet, to do what we do, breath the air everyone else breathes, follow the steps everybody else follows.

A little individualism comes out through clothing, cultural belonging, maybe with the hobbies we choose. But there is already a conformity to ethnic and behavioural patterns since belonging and fitting in is a huge factor to maintaining safety and success within our biological nature. I did have questions towards life. I felt like there must be a deeper meaning to it. I wondered: is this truly it? No deeper sense? No task to fulfil? No guiding book? Yes, there are the religious ones. I understand the power of faith but I never found the answers to my questions within the walls of their institutions. When it dawned on me that these answers won’t come in the form of salvation, nor will they come as a person or a task. This is not a math equation, it cannot be figured out rationally. It will come in the form of being. To anyone who hasn’t experienced this sensation this might all be gibberish, at least it used to be to me.

Love has no explanation…

They might have experienced this feeling in the love for their own children. It cannot be explained, but deep inside, they know, that until the end of time, they are bound in love to this human being, and that they, by receiving this child, unlocked a power greater than the strength of ten men. It may also be comparable to when people experience a near death moment and their life flashes in front of their eyes and suddenly, they know what it means to be, to exist, here in this realm and on this planet.

Maybe for some people it is just the moment when they stand in a field and the wind softly touches and moves their hair and the ears of the wheat by their feet nod their fragile heads and all becomes one, the same movement, the same soft strokes, the same beauty in its meaninglessness; or when they look up at the sky scrapers and see the clouds washing behind them, almost going through them, as if the solidity of their outer material had no meaning, mirroring the world around in their glass and the space between heaven and earth merges for a brief moment in time; or when they surpass highest mountains watching them through this milky glass of an airplane window and it feels like these peaks are so close and yet so far and understanding of how much we are part of all of this climbs up inside of them, as a hiker climbs up this mountain to be on top of the world and yet with every step becomes more and more a part of it.

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All these moments are moments of pure existence!

Becoming part of one’s consciousness rather than staying hidden, is what makes the difference between living a life on this planet and “existing” within this realm. Not everyone needs to do Yoga to get there, not everyone needs to experience a breakdown like I did, not everyone needs years to understand, that something is missing, not everyone needs this intensity of taking a sabbatical, but to me, this is how it happened, this is and has been my way.

Yoga was my key to unlock this consciousness. The more breaths I took consciously, the more I allowed my entire being, my physical and my subtle body, to experience every moment in full consciousness. To me, this is what it means to exist. Not because I know, but because it is. At the beginning it might seem hard and it might feel like it’s all a scam, but quickly results kick in. First, they come unnoticed. This is when a feeling of bliss or simply relaxation flushes the body.

The more engagement we provide into this moment, into the ‘how’ that creates this feeling, the more repetitive power we gain. The more we repeat, the easier it gets. Consciousness and constant growth are reprogramming the brain bit by bit, teaching it to recreate this state on a more regular basis until it becomes habit – until it is us. This is when we truly ‘exist’ – no matter where we are, or what we do, or whom we meet. I recently heard a famous monk answer a woman who asked what Yoga really was: “Yoga is not the physical movement you perform, nor is it the mediation you do. It is not the breath you take, or the intention you have. Yoga is when in every moment of your life, you consciously live out your own existence, whilst being part of the requirements of life in the here and now has. This is Yoga.” This is me. Existing every day, a little more.

This content is provided free of charge for general information purposes only and does not constitute medical advice.  It is from the personal experience or views of the author who does not hold herself out as being medically trained or qualified in any way.  The content does not give rise to a practitioner/patient/professional relationship with the reader and specialist medical advice should be taken in relation to specific circumstances.

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