How often do I hear sentences like ‘at my age, it starts to look ridiculous to be like this or like that.’, also ‘when I was younger it was better accepted to behave in a certain way ’, or ‘now, that I am at this age, I have to be this or that, to be taken seriously.’ – and I used to be the one saying these sentences and believing in them.
When I first learned the meaning of the word integrity, to have it become one of my main goals for life. I desperately wanted to become a person of integrity. But it was linked in my head to age, as wisdom was only possible at a certain age. As was peace of mind. I thought I had no say in this, no active part but to be patient. It would come, I said.
Becoming of age….
Now I have reached an age by which I thought I’d naturally have become all of this. I wanted to move on and break the ever-repeating loops of failures in my life with relationships, as well as my health and prosperity issues. Struggling with anxieties, stress, permanent doubt and the feeling of being unfulfilled, I felt like I hit rock bottom.
I traveled the world, I had a beautiful man by my side, I had prospects and yet nothing fulfilled my inner self until I dared to ask: who is this inner me? Who am I really? Once I allowed these thoughts into my life, they started crumbling on top of me like a giant mountain shook by an earthquake. I was overwhelmed, helpless, mad and upset. It was tiring and it was scary.
I had no choice;
I couldn’t continue this way. So, I got help from every angle: yoga, spiritual teachers, psychologists, friends, family, everyone. And oh, did they help. I am always a person that tries to understand what is for me or what is not for me, rather than forever wondering whether something would have worked or not. And I tried and got deep into it and sacrificed my life as I knew it for something unknown, I had no idea where it would lead me. All I knew was that it couldn’t stay this way.
Along the way I met people, many people, like-minded seekers, finders, companions and I saw how different they were and that no matter what age, they all had the same questions. Often the background differed, sometimes the questions had other topics as a base, but in general I was overwhelmed discovering that I had fellow souls coming from directions I would have never expected. And it didn’t matter if they were rich or poor, successful or failing, young or old, they wanted change and they went for it.
Time equals wisdom…
Over time, and I am speaking a few months not years or decades, I understood that I had to erase the limiting believe that my age is a major factor in how I do or if I am accepted by others. It all became crystal clear.
Suddenly, a pressure I felt for years, a factor I had no influence in, was left outside and a whole new universe of time and the relativity of it opened up in front of my eyes. Space I could fill with my own signature of time.
It had one message: The only person to accept, show integrity and set up a belief system, was me. The outside would follow what I would radiate from within. And it did and trust me: Age had nothing to do with it. One could argue that being in your mid-thirties makes it easier to decide what it is you really want, because you have seen a lot and understood a lot.
At the same time, the more I understood, the more questions I had. The more I see, the more I long for more of the unknown. So, to me this is not a valid factor. Maybe, I am not struck by anything new and I am quick to see existing patterns due to experience, but one can get very old and have had very limited experiences and one could be a teenager and have had tons.
It is now easier to understand just how “different” the things presented to me are, and also how much of it is actually the same. But again, this is not due to age, this is due to me wanting to understand the world a little better and now that I know it had to start with understanding myself better and allowing myself to become who I was made to be, I finally can use it for my benefit. Thirty-something, forty-something, whatever, me being me, here and now.
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