1) It’s important to choose a divorce lawyer you like. You’ll be talking a lot even in the most ‘civil’ cases.
2) If you want to speed it up let your spouse file against you.
3) Despite it speeding things up, you will feel like shit when your spouse files against you – whether you want this divorce or not.
4) You will make restaurant bookings under both your married and ‘previous’ names until your friends get confused.
5) When you say you are getting divorced people will either stare at you or ask why, this is regardless of whether they have met you before. Come up with a good excuse to get them away. My excuse was ‘I have had sex 5 times in 4 years’. Not necessarily connected but certainly got them to leave me alone.
6) If you hate your spouse you will feel magically powered by your anger. That will finish one day in Asda when you find yourself crying because you’ve just smelt their washing powder.
7) If you miss and long for your spouse you will feel sad until magically the anger that has left your fellow divorcee surges into you and you find yourself smashing multiple plates in the garden imagining their face. It’s ok, you can cry as you sweep it up.
8) People will be afraid of you. You represent both fear and hope. It’s a powerful place to be.
9) You will be afraid of you. You will feel both failure and possibility. It’s a terrifying place to be.
10) You will get through it. You will be better. Your pain will make you compassionate. Your anger will make you soft. Your hopelessness will make you strong. And you will make it.
5 things everyone tells you about getting divorced which are bullshit
1) ‘50% of marriages end in divorce’ – who cares. You’re focused on yours.
2) ‘Getting divorced is too easy these days’ – only someone who has never been divorced says this. They are also judgemental so let’s hope they have never met anyone stupid enough to marry them.
3) ‘You must feel….’ So relieved/sad/lost/alone – we love to make linear judgements. You must feel however you want to.
4) Stories about their own marriage and how hard they try with it (subtext being you didn’t try hard enough) or stories of how happy they are (subtext being you are unlucky). In truth you scare them (see point 9 above) just smile and wave.
5) ‘At least you didn’t have children/waste years/have more than 1/2/3 children’ – the ‘at least’ button is their way to make you feel better. It doesn’t work. Sit with the pain but not with these people. They are well meaning but foolish. There is no ‘at least’ with this – and when there is – you get to pick it!
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